Have you ever found yourself in a situation with another person where you felt completely incapable of communicating? Like nothing you were saying was getting through or being construed in the way you could see it in your head?
I know I have, and the situation that immediately comes to mind for me is my relationship with my partner, Jason.
Now most of you have heard me talk about Jason in these letters before, and rightfully so because he is 100% my other half. For six years now weâve been living together, working together, co-parenting our fur-child Plaxico together, spending literally 95% off our days together, and itâs led us to develop a deep mutual respect and love for each other. We really are that âbest friendsâ couple cliche.
AND YET, while the rainbows and butterflies of any relationship are nice to talk about, thatâs never the full picture, is it (despite what the news feeds of the world might suggestâŚ)?
Maintaining a healthy and happy relationship is NOT easy. Weâre two separate humans with two separate perspectives (and two separate gender-specific biology) and all of that means we have to work hard to communicate our way through challenges and disagreements so that we emerge stronger and closer together, not weaker and further apart.
Over the years there have been so many hard conversations, oneâs where it felt like we were two strangers in a foreign land, speaking separate languages AT one another without a word of understanding between us.
What Iâve learned over time is that in order to remedy this, in order to communicate in a way that will actually move a conversation forward, you have to begin by creating a shared vocabulary.
Letâs take the language most of us probably know if youâre reading this right now: English. The only way that Iâm able to share my thoughts with you in an effective way every week and actually get my intention across is because I, the sender of this message, and you, the receiver of this message, agree on the basic definition and meaning of each word (aka the building blocks) of this message. Our shared vocabulary allows us to see this message from a fundamentally similar perspective so weâre able to connect.
But, when this isnât the case, when two people are trying to communicate without a shared understanding of the building blocks of the message, thatâs when the wires get crossed and everything turns to noise. The message canât connect.
I think this is why a book like The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman has found itself on the bestseller list for YEARS. This book acts like a dictionary of physical and emotional cues between partners that creates that essential shared vocabulary. It gives two people in a relationship a way to define and bring shared meaning to certain behaviors which gives them a way to talk about their needs in a way that BOTH people can understand.
So what about expanding that beyond relationships? What about creating a shared vocabulary between you and your friends, or family members or even customers?
In Brene Brownâs book, Rising Strong, she proposes a simple tip for helping to create that shared vocabulary between two people that leads to understanding. When you find yourself feeling hurt (which we can all agree is the criteria for 99% of disagreements or conflict in relationships) you can say the phrase: âThe story Iâm telling myself isâŚâ in order to voice those inner stories floating around in your head constructed from that hurt place.
In a conversation with a best friend who hasnât called you back it might be âThe story Iâm telling myself is that Iâm not important enough to make time for.â That adds honesty and context to the conversation which can open up the lines of communication between you and a friend that may just be going through a particularly tough time and needs space. That simple phrase helps bring shared meaning to the time between phone calls, a signal that could be interpreted way differently by both people trying to communicate.
In the case of Jason and myself, probably the most stark of our differences is the fact that I am an exceptionally sensitive person and he is an exceptionally stoic person. Itâs something that brings balance to our partnership, but it also creates difficulties in communicating too. Over time though, weâve been able to develop a shared understanding around each of our emotional biases to situations. When I feel hurt or down or particularly sensitive, Iâm able to let him know itâs not because of something he did; and when he responds to a situation in a way that might feel unemotional, heâs able to let me know itâs actually not because he doesnât care. This shared vocabulary has allowed us to add texture and awareness to each otherâs perspectives so that we can talk through any challenges in a constructive and mature way.
Working through things this way may be harder than just reacting, but every day we inch just a little bit closer to the middle of the emotional spectrum so that we can understand each other better.
It might sound silly, but I believe this simple concept can even help you in business. By clearly defining a few simple ideas for your audience or customers first, you can create a clearer, more powerful line of connection between you. Itâs why I always talk about what it means to live a VIBRANT life, or what itâs like to be a soulful creative. This is the shared vocabulary that brings an even richer, more nuanced level of understanding to our conversations.
So, whether itâs your partner, a family member, an employee or coworker, or your customers, if you want to get your message across, communicating with a shared vocabulary is essential in reaching a mutual understanding.Â
âCommunicating with a shared vocabulary is essential in reaching a mutual understanding. â
My challenge to you is the next time you find yourself in a conflict, disagreement or a simple misunderstanding with someone, before moving forward ask yourself if youâre operating with a shared vocabulary.
See if you can dig in and first bring awareness to the building blocks of the message youâre trying to send. Are their assumptions at play that need to be verbalized? Are their emotional differences and perspectives that first need to be communicated?
Communicating is most effective when youâre on the same page, and thatâs all a shared vocabulary does. I know itâs helped me have more meaningful conversations and interactions in my own life. So while I continue to learn and navigate my own interpersonal relationships, at least I know the ones I am able to cultivate are built on a foundation of effective communication.
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